I hate nights like this.When everything is right, but I felt like everything is falling apart.
Listening to Chris Medina - What Are Words just makes things worst.
The weather is horrible.
I'm already naked but yet I feel warm.
Words.
They're powerful.
Sharper than blades.
Subconsciously, someone said THE word today.
Not in the sense of the powerful I LOVE YOU but he said "papa bear loves you".
Which at the end still refers to himself.
I noticed my immediate voice change.
My urge to end the conversation because I know,
that person do not mean it.
Not in that way.
Given it's some random person I wouldn't care much.
This is different.
Only say that magical four-letter word, when you mean it.
I haven't been blogging for a loooong time.
No longer have the interest.
I used to blog because I want to capture every single memory in my life.
I want to remember everything.
10 years down the road, I read back what happened now.
Just like what I did with my Xanga.
Though through time I realised,
that maybe we shouldn't retain so much memories.
Let it go and make space for new ones.
Tracy,
attempted suicide today.
16 pills.
I know it would work if she had more because I've done my research.
If one day I wanted to suicide,
pills would be the way as well.
Back in the days,
I had 6 panadols on regular basis.
It just makes me feel better about myself.
I needed assurance.
I'm past that.
I don't know.
Seeing her so helpless,
makes me think.
What made me, me?
Why am I so indifferent nowadays?
Am I still human?
Of course in flesh and blood sense but emotions and feelings?
All my life,
I've always had challenges I have to face.
Since young,
I've always been territorial.
I wanted my own room, my own space, my own desk.
EVERYTHING.
You name it.
I was so obssessed I lied on my age so that I could get cards printed with my name on it.
The card belongs to ME.
I've never actually discussed much problems with my parents.
I've never actually asked for extra pocket money.
I'm not saying I'm better than anyone.
I do think that to a certain extent, it is not a very good thing.
It makes me really vulnerable when I actually let my guard down and starts to be dependent on someone.
History proved me right.
As much as I have my guard up,
my wall against people,
it didn't help that there are many out there that thinks that I'm an independent, but yet selfish person.
It's not that I don't think about others,
it's just that experience told me that I should think of myself first,
because no one would pity you when you fall.
They would point their fingers at you,
and laugh.
Only few,
will lend a hand and pull you up.
Yet,
we have to be prepared that one they,
they might walk away and you're yet again,
left alone.
I don't wanna get hurt ever again.
It just hurt too much.
Probably,
that is why I learnt,
to deal with my own problems,
my own way.
If one day I die,
I'd want to make sure that my parents are already away,
because the only two person I'm in debt with are them.
Therefore, I'd leave with no one to answer for.
